Something's Missing

Forewarning: this is not a happy post. But it's real. If you don't want to read something unhappy, then leave now. And really, if you think life should be all rainbows and smiles then I feel sorry for you and your ignorance.

To be quite frank, it's been a rough day.

One of those days when everywhere you turn you're reminded of something you're trying so hard to forget or move past or get over. And everyone keeps on going on and on and on and you try and try and try to keep up the act, but even the best actors break character every once and awhile.

For those of you who think I'm happy, I'm not sure I can agree with you. I can say that I certainly appear happy. But I'm a good actress. And today I'm breaking character.

It's hard to focus on anything when everything you wish you had is smiting you. When another friend gets engaged and you want to be happy for them, but you just can't be because it reminds you of just how lonely you really are. When your friends are being asked to write bachelor's theses and double majoring and you're struggling to pass all whopping twelve credit hours you're taking this semester. When everyone flaunts their spending ability and you don't know how you're going to pay the next bill and afford to buy groceries. When everyone else gets invited in your group of friends.



But not you.




This, my dear friends, is the story of my life.

It's a daily test of patience and holding my tongue. Sometimes I really want to call everyone out, "YOU'RE NOT BEING VERY CHRISTIAN!"

I think the ultimate theme of recent has been the utter alone-ness if you will I've been accustoming myself to. Exclusion is never fun. It's a lot like rejection. Ok, it is rejection. It seems like I've been facing a lot of rejection lately. From jobs, from boys, from people, from my bank, from my parents. No no no no no. Nothing is quite right. I'm not quite right. Not for them.

I don't know what else to do. Everyone can say, "Oh you're so sweet! We all love you! blah blah blah" but prove it. I'm sick of lies and deception and feeling utterly unworthy of anything wonderful and happy and lovely.

I need real people. I'm done with all the fake. It's all so surface level and fake sweet that it literally makes me nauseous.

You know what I'm missing? Love. Real, true, undeniable, unconditional love. I have found that in my Creator. But I'm not convinced that I can find it here on Earth.

Prove me wrong. Please. I'm begging you.